Calm.

I was up way too late basking in the glow of my Golden State Warrior's big win. Sat there with the cats and watched the celebration and despite the fact that I knew it was going to hurt me come morning time, couldn't bring myself to turn off the television. When I finally did, it was late, but moments like this don't come along that often (once every forty years?) so I'm paying the price this morning...

Needing something simple for the morning meditation meant using Calm. Calm is one of the longest tenured apps on my phone and for a reason. It's simple, indeed calming and I really dig the bird songs. Helps me to feel the morning air and sunshine and yes, even the warmth of the air even on a morning that is grey, cold and yes, precipitating. The smell of the air definitely helps and when the external environment and the internal environment co-mingle in a cooperative way, then all is bliss. Well maybe not bliss but I'm at the church, not particularly tired, in a very good mood and ready for the day. And that was even after a not very easy phone call from my struggling sister. All that really comes to mind is a song from the first Shakti album entitled "What Need Have I for This–What Need Have I for That–I Am Dancing at the Feet of My Lord–All Is Bliss–All Is Bliss".

Let the weather be what it is. I'm inside with work to do and good music (yes, Shakti) playing...

Listening to God

"Prayer is when you talk to God; meditation is when you listen to God". ~Author Unknown

There are a lot of reasons why the Insight Timer community and app gets mentioned when people talk about meditation tools. It's cool to open the app and see that you are meditating with a group of people that can be large or small and it's also cool that you can join groups, add friends, etc. but my favorite part of the app is the diversity of meditations (guided and unguided) that it makes available to you. It's exposed me to a host of people and sites that feed my interest in meditation but it's also helped me to understand what works best for me.

This morning for example I listened to a breath meditation by Sharon Salzberg from the Soundstrue website. What I liked about her meditation was that she didn't overtalk. There was plenty of silence in between her words and that's a nice contrast from some guided meditations where the speaker seems to feel a need to talk you through every second of your time together. Hey, I understand that's part of the deal but including a healthy amount of silence implies trust between the guide and the listener and I believe that's a good thing.

Another nice thing about the 10-minute or so meditation was what she referred to as "the magic moment". In her way of explaining, that's when you drift away from the breath, realize you've done so and then make it back. Instead of thinking about that moment as somehow being a failure to stay focused, she mindfully re-defined that as a moment of mindfulness as in "there goes my focus, let's back to the breath". Hey, it's going to happen so why not give yourself a pat on the back for realizing that you've drifted away, no damage has been done, bring it back home. Isn't the former what we tend to do? Make a mistake and never let go of it?

Meditation and camping

One might think that the combination of being outdoors in one of the most amazingly beautiful parts of Northern California might be the perfect place for lots of quality meditation. And one might be right if this place was somewhere you were able to engage in your basic tree-hugging solitude. While family camping trips with church folks are on the short list of amazing fellowship events, they don't allow much in the way of quiet or solitude so my thoughts on meditation were tabled in favor of quality time with a variety of people that I ordinarily see on Sunday and hence, don't offer a whole lot in the way of QT.

I got home yesterday at 1:00pm or so and really thought about meditation but it was more about rest and recovery so my program basically took a long weekend that lingered into this morning when I wanted to get up, feed the cats and then go back to bed. That was not in the cards however so this morning was right back on the bicycle with an almost 9 minute breathing meditation courtesy of Jack Kornfield and Insight Timer. Many things to recommend about the meditation and of course the Insight Timer app but on a rainy, chill morning, this meditation is magic. Short enough to not feel pressed for time, long enough to have an impact and to me, those are very beneficial qualities.

I'll find some time in the late morning, early afternoon to do something a bit more substantial and then when I get home but for now I'm mostly set I think.

Therapy, meditation, all of the king's horses...

Today was my scheduled appointment with my therapist and we spent a good amount of time talking about meditation. I like the fact that he's supportive of me doing this and like the fact that he saw fit some months ago to cut out visits down to twice a month from weekly. Since the beginning of our time together, I've felt like he's had my best interest at heart so the fact that he's fully behind me adding meditation to my 'toolbox' is another sign that I'm with the right person. And if I get to the point where I'm able to stop seeing him completely, think he'd also be good with that. The meds are another topic but we'll get to that one of these days...

The morning meditation was another selection from Meditation Oasis and was focused on patience. I thought today being Thursday might be a day with many moving pieces so thought that thoughts of patience was a good way to start the day. Mary Maddux who is the principal guide on Meditation Oasis is rapidly becoming a favorite as her voice, guided meditations move me in the right direction. I now have the app and there is a lot of content there ranging from simple and short to meditations for children to sleep and I intend to do as comprehensive a survey of the material as is possible. At some point I'll even do something with the blog layout so that the links to these programs and websites will be easier to get to so if I mention something that sounds appealing, you'll be able to get to it.

Tools

As in, there are plenty of them! After making the decision to go with shorter meditations to begin my day, I had a late night (last) so was really tired when I got out of bed this morning. So what to do but get some fresh air and do a walking meditation? Happily "there's an app for that"! I used a walking meditation app that offers three options: fully present, enliven body and enliven senses that run from 16 minutes to 18 minutes long. I chose fully present (16 minutes) and it was just right for a day that is grey and damp and chilly with some light precipitation. The smells around me were subtle and nuanced and the sounds, though muted, had enough of a white noise quality to enhance my experience. In my walking I tried to be friendly and courteous but not engaged, instead focusing on how all of my senses were reacting to the things that were happening around me. I'm still tired but not in a bad way and that's big on a day when I have many things to do and need to be focused. I'll try something different in the early afternoon just to mix things up but for now I'm out of here as the world awaits!

Simply being

This morning's meditation came courtesy of Insight Timer and in particular, Mary Maddux who provides meditations on her own app, Meditation Oasis. I really thought about doing another mountain meditation but it's grey and cold out there and it's one of those days and I thought I needed to do something shorter, clearer and easier to wrap my fuzzy brain around. This meditation was perfect. Utilitarian yes but rock solid in the way that it acknowledged the constant stream of thoughts that the morning offers but does a tidy job of reminding you that you don't have to do anything more than notice that they are happening. In the same way that the insistent honking of a car turns into 'sound', worries about the work day become 'thought', fitting in perfectly with the RAIN acronym (R=Recognize what is happening, A=Allow life to be just as it is, I=Investigate inner experience with kindness, N=Non-Identification).

One of the things that I am discovering is the importance of structuring my meditations so that they are sustainable. For me that means at least for right now that the morning meditation should not be all that long. Late morning, early afternoon, even late afternoon and evening give me the time and space and mental facilities to do something longer and even if I do something when I go to bed (that puts me to sleep!), it all works in a way that is helping me build some meditation muscle memory.

Blessings on all of you and may your day be as good for you as it's possible to be.

Mountain meditation

There are two meditations that are particularly hard for me. The first is the mountain meditation, the second is the lake. While I'm okay with visualizing both and am happy with the guided meditations (this is using one of the Mindfulness apps) being able to then transfer that visualized image is just beyond me right now. Usually that would be a reason to give up or at least put trying on hold but I'm in a space where I'm reading it much differently and will focus on doing the mountain daily for a while to see how that works.

The other news of note is that now that the class is over, I've made a decision to attend the SF Insight Wednesday night sits at the First Unitarian Church. While I've heard good things about both the Sunday and Wednesday sits, from what I've heard, the Wednesday night gathering is smaller and that fits me better right now. I also had this weird moment watching "The Life of Pi" and identifying with the protagonist when he's young and the way he's drawn to all these different faiths. Christian, buddhist, hindu; each of them has aspects that he finds appealing and meaningful and I feel like I'm in a little bit of that right now myself. I mean, I'm not kidding myself here. I'm a very Presbyterian person in both a denominational way and theologically but not to the point of at least giving a shout out to the other faith traditions.

"By becoming the mountain in our meditation practice, we can link up with its strength and stability and adopt them for our own. We can use its energies to support our energy to encounter each moment with mindfulness and equanimity and clarity. It may help us to see that our thoughts and feelings, our preoccupations, our emotional storms and crises, even the things that happen to us are very much like the weather on the mountain. We tend to take it all personally, but its strongest characteristic is impersonal. The weather of our own lives is not be ignored or denied, it is to be encountered, honored, felt, known for what it is, and held in awareness… And in holding it in this way, we come to know a deeper silence and stillness and wisdom. Mountains have this to teach us and much more if we can let it in…"

From "Mountain Meditation by Jon Kabat-Zinn

Blended

I am grateful I took some time to meditate this morning as it's been a trying day. Since I wasn't clear on which way to go, I did a little bit of a routine of my own. I used one of the Equisync soundtracks, focused on my breathing and repeated a couple of phrases from the Psalm 131 meditation from Mindful Worship. I found that it worked well and was sustaining enough for me to handle some really rocky news in the morning. It's been a trying day so I will probably go sit in the chapel and meditate again before I make a phone call that I know is going to be challenging. Being able to quiet the mind definitely helps me be more responsive, more aware, more ME.

If you are not familiar with Psalm 131, it is three verses long but beautiful and to the point and so a great Christian meditative expereince. Here's the Psalm as it is translated in the Common English Bible:

Lord, my heart isn't proud; my eyes aren't conceited. I don't get involved with things too great or wonderful for me.

No. But I have calmed and quieted myself like a weaned child on its mother; I’m like the weaned child that is with me.

Israel, wait for the Lord— from now until forever from now!

There are many translations out there and all that I've read do justice to David's words but anything that allows me to focus on calming and quieting myself is a blessing.

On Holosync and Equisync

I initially started contemplating meditation thanks to the two programs listed above. They are both in the category of brain entrainment which attempts to use sounds to re-calibrate the brain. Both of the above companies like to say that using their programs allows relative newcomers to achieve the results of veteran meditators and how can you not like that?

So do they work? I've tried both and have had some good sessions along with some sessions that were pretty meh. I do think they might have some value but not when used exclusively or as a way to speed up the process. One of the things that I've come to understand about meditation and my own practice is that even the less than perfect sits accomplish something in furthering my understanding of who I am and what I am about and that's the goal. Better self-awareness leads to living a life that's truer to who I am and understanding that allows me to be more accepting, more loving of myself and others and (hopefully) out of that, the courage to make changes where and when necessary.

While I'm not doing away with the above tools, I am going to lay then to the side for a bit to see where the slow process takes me. Maybe at some point in time there'll be an opportunity for HS and ES but right now I'm sticking with the guided meditations from Mindful Worship, Insight Timer, Mindfulness I and Mindfulness II and see where that takes me.

By the way, this morning was from Mindful Worship and was a lovely 16 minute meditation on peace (as in the peace that you get from Jesus). Ricky Spears is the guide and his voice is just right and his meditations tend to linger with me which is nice. Sort of a residual buzz if you will.

"No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings."

Credit the above line to William Blake and perfect for me when talking about the weekend. Saturday was the silent retreat and a day for taking a closer look at other ways to meditate (principally standing and walking). I found the silence to fit comfortably around me and the hard part was avoiding eye contact with my others. How is it possible for me to be in a place with so many nice people and not be talking to them? Yet I was and I was fine. As a matter of fact, I wish that we had ended the day in silence and went from the building that way, scattered of to re-enter whatever we were re-entering.

I went home to dinner and cats and a basketball game that I had a hard time getting up for and then the next day was a work-day so not a whole lot of time to reflect back but I know for sure I was better on Sunday for the experience of Saturday. Very much appreciate the community of SF Insight and most especially Marlena and Carol and their generosity and wisdom. This Thursday will be the last of the beginner's class and while that makes me a little sad, I would like to think that I've been prepared to be a big boy around meditation and that the tools that I've gathered along with the support of people I've only began to know will be enough to kick me down the yellow brink road of mindfulness a piece. I'll be back tomorrow to talk about another form of meditation I've not really talked about but that holds interest for me.

Peace.

Meditating with cats (Friday edition)

This morning's meditation was courtesy of Mindful Worship and was focused on Psalm 131. It's a short psalm but well suited for a morning meditation especially when Fernando (cat) decides to join me. His presence is comforting and the purr adds to the music that backs the guided meditation in a way that makes the soundtrack just right. As for the psalm itself and the way that it relates to meditation, the three verses all contain phrases that work well with the breath and very calming. Whether it is "I have calmed and quieted my soul" or the way the guide uses "O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time on and forevermore" substituting your own name or the name of a friend or even a place like a church, it's filled with simple but profound messages. As a christian meditator, I'm really enjoying the site and will see if this is something that I can use as a dedicated source for early morning quiet time and mindfulness. Tomorrow is an all-day retreat and I'm sure I'll have lots of thoughts to share though I might want to just sit on what I'm feeling for a little bit. Who know's what tomorrow will bring. For the moment I'm focused on today...

Permission to not focus on the breath.

My morning's meditation came from Insight Timer and was a 16 minute beginner's guide to Vipassana. I really enjoyed this meditation and part of the reason why was that it allowed for the possibility that being focused on the breath was not the only thing you might use as a baseline. It introduced the idea that there might be something else to center on: something sensory perhaps and that really worked well for me. I felt like having options allowed me to have a short, small list of things to focus on that were/are still in the moment (breath included) which made it a shorter route back to the breath. Don't know how much sense that makes but believe it makes sense for me so there!

Exploring different types of meditation

Two meditation discoveries yesterday: a walking meditation (three different guided meditations) and a site called Mindful Worship that offers a variety of free and paid meditations including a series on the fruits of the spirit (and where have I heard that before?). Did the walking meditation this morning and chose the one of the three that was focused on enlivening the senses (other two are enlivening the body and being fully present). The day is gorgeous even out in the hinterlands so I got a chance to focus on the air, the sounds of the street, the smells of the flowers and trees and occasional smoker. By the time I was finished with that I had caught up with a friend and we walked together the rest of the way picking a challenging route. Awake, aware, fairly calm... This afternoon or late morning I'll do a meditation from Mindful Worship (the fruit is gentleness) and will try and note my thoughts for all to share. This really is a journey!

The difference a day makes.

Yesterday was not only a Monday (my Tuesday) but it was cold and overcast and dreary enough to dampen my mood. I'm usually able to overcome stuff like the weather, but given my mood lately, it was easy enough to collapse into the greyness and have an all-around crappy day. Did do a small meditation but felt so roiled that if there was a moment when I was able to focus on my breathing it was gone before I had a chance to notice it was there. That was yesterday... Today I woke up too early, listened to the weather report, thought to myself, uh-oh but then stopped. Okay, if that's the way it's going to be, maybe I can do something different and maybe, just maybe if I am able to do that then the day will be different. That's when I noticed that the sun was shining. So the walk to work was good, got here in a different state of mind and then went about doing things differently. The difference in the day has been noticeable, my response to people has not been as miserable and so it's lunchtime and I'm starting to believe I'll survive the day. And yes, that means making my way down to the chapel sometime for a sit in the quiet and maybe a silent meditation to see how that feels. Or maybe I'll take the guitar and play my way into the calm! Nice to remember that I have choices around these things and just because it's grey outside doesn't mean I have to be grey on the inside.

Peace.

The thought for the day is courtesy of St. Augustine: "It is humility that makes men as angels, it was pride that changed angels into devils."

Meditating with cats

At last night's sit there was another mention of the Insight Timer so this morning I downloaded it and tried an 8+ minute breathing meditation led by Jack Kornfield. I realized a couple of things as I started: first was that the one of my two cats (Fernando) was going to be joining me and second, the window was still open from yesterday's very warm day. Neither one was a distraction and truthfully, they both helped stay focused on the breathing and the body. I was aware of the cool air and the warm fur (of the cat) and his purring was very calming so I ended up in a more comfortable place than when I started and for me that's a positive step. Like the app and figure I'll try it for a week and see where it leads me.